If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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