well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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