she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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