and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
