There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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