I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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