My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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