I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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