she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
