i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
