Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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