Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Welp...herpes.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
