I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
