My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
