im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
