I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just cut my nipple shaving
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
