Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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