The beer is more important than you right now.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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