Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
