Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
