wrigley field is MILF paradise
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
