she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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