just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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