you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
