So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
