I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My bed smells like the plague
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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