i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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