On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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