This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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