Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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