When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
worst night to have a conscience
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
