My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
