I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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