yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
