last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
