imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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