I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
