Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
