She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
