god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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