you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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