Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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