Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
