thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
