Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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