there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
