i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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