If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
