i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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