I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
