I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
